In a heartwarming show of international solidarity — or perhaps nuclear trolling — Russia today announced its willingness to give sanctuary to Iran’s enriched uranium. Not Iranian people, of course. Just the radioactive stuff. Human beings from the Middle East, other than current and deposed tyrants and their families, remain notably less welcome in Moscow than uranium hexafluoride.

Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov said today that Russia “remains a responsible nuclear power” and is prepared to store Iran’s stockpile “if it contributes to de-escalation” in Iran’s conflict with Israel.

That’s de-escalation as defined by a government currently expanding its nuclear weapons sites along NATO’s border — a kind of geopolitical equivalent of offering to hold your neighbor’s gun while simultaneously building a weapons depot in their front yard.

Satellite imagery released today reveals extensive upgrades to Russian nuclear infrastructure in Kaliningrad, Belarus, and western Russia — conveniently close to the EU, NATO, and, incidentally, most of Europe. These expansions come just as the Israel-Iran conflict continues to accelerate into something that looks a lot like regional war.

In the past four days, Israeli airstrikes have killed at least 224 civilians in Iran, according to reports. Iran’s response — helped by Israel’s ‘Iron Dome’ — has killed 11 people in Israel. And while missiles fly across regional skies, Moscow, fresh from partnering with Iran in genocide in steps in with all the grace of a mob boss offering “storage” services during a neighborhood turf war.

Meanwhile, in Gaza, Israeli forces continue with their carnage, today reportedly shooting dead at least 37 Palestinian civilians as they queued for food aid.

So to recap: nuclear materials are offered shelter; civilians are offered airstrikes, bullets, or starvation. The regional and global powers’ priorities are clear.

Analysts, diplomats, and people still pretending this is all salvageable have offered the usual language: “alarming,” “escalatory,” “deeply concerning.” The IAEA remains in a chronic state of concern, this time over Iran’s failure to explain its uranium stockpile. No word yet on whether the agency will shift from “mildly worried librarian” mode to anything resembling enforcement.

For Iran's regime, Russia’s offer must look like both a lifeline and a dare — a way to reduce the odds of an Israeli airstrike on its territory, while gambling that stashing enriched uranium in Russia won’t just make it easier for the West to lose track of it entirely.

And for Russia, the benefits are manifold. It gets to humiliate the West, tighten its alliance with Tehran, and wave a radioactive middle finger at NATO, all while cloaking it in the language of “stability.” It’s the diplomatic equivalent of setting your neighbour’s lawn on fire and offering to water their plants.

Meanwhile, the death tolls keep climbing: in Iranian cities flattened by airstrikes, in Gazan breadlines, turned into Israeli shooting galleries, and possibly soon in Eastern Europe, set to have its own war if all Putin’s posturing leads where it seems headed.

But hey. At least the uranium will be protected...