Ahead of today’s scheduled Russo-American peace talks in Alaska, Russian President Vladimir Putin has unveiled what he describes as a “historic and spiritual mission” to reclaim the territory for Russia. Speaking to state media before departing Moscow, Putin described Alaska as “an inseparable part of Greater Russia, part of our destiny and spiritual heritage, which was temporarily interrupted by a regrettable 19th-century property transaction.”

Putin explained: “The souls of our ancestors remain bound to the frozen soil of Alaska. Our connection is eternal. Now destiny calls us home.”

The proposal includes the ‘peaceful relocation’ of any unwilling Alaskans to welcoming humanitarian resettlement facilities in Venezuela — “not as punishment,” Putin insisted, “but so that our people have the opportunity to integrate with Mother Russia’s spiritual geography.”

Benjamin Netanyahu, visibly impressed at Putin’s proposal, applauded what he called “this bold plan inspired by my own.” The two leaders reportedly conferred privately on the expansion of Greater Russia, with Netanyahu presenting Putin with a pseudo-ceremonial map amulet depicting a vast territory stretching from Siberia across the Bering Strait into Alaska, then down across Canada and the continental USA.

Donald Trump, who will join Putin in Anchorage later today, was less sure but hailed the announcement as “the boldest real estate strategy since the Louisiana Purchase, maybe in history,” adding that Alaska under Russian control could become “the Mar-a-Lago of the North – lots of beachfront potential.”

The Kremlin has dismissed criticism of the plan as “Russophobic”, with Putin asserting that opposition stems from ignorance of “Russia’s spiritual mission” and “misplaced attachment to outdated maps.” He emphasised that this initiative is not an occupation but “a historic rescue,” restoring Alaska to its rightful place within the Russian soul.

Putin closed by reaffirming his vision: “In honouring our ancient covenant, Greater Russia will fulfil its destiny.”

Alaskan officials have yet to comment, though sightings of prefabricated housing labelled “Welcome Home, Comrades” have been reported near Anchorage docks.

Image: News Thump